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voids, voices and silence

January 28, 2010

Some days have passed since I have indulged myself in this mode of self-expression. Before my transformation I saw this as only a past-time, there was no direction in my writing, no determination in my expression, and no will to commit. Now I feel like I need it to be sane – the true sign of the commencement of this splendid, foreign, unfamiliar chapter of my life. I feel so beautiful. I feel enlightened by this influx of beauty and joy which warms by soul as the torturous waters of the moat around it now dry; and fortunately through every orifice and every sense (all 15+ of them, discounting those of unscientific origin for the moment).

“The day is made up of twenty-four hours and an infinite number of moments.”
THE WITCH OF PORTOBELLO, PAULO COELHO

Positive Equilibrium of Gorgeous Symbiosis

Personally, I need certain things to carry me through this life, I need partners in my act of symbiosis. Those who are directly connected to me through blood and chromosomes are the few who do not engage me in a form of parasitic symbiosis for I have spent too long searching to fill my voids through the words and gestures of others. For too long I have earned to fill these voids, “spaces between the letters”, through means which were not productive or sufficient to my needs. Life is symbiosis and our choices determine whether our partnerships encourage positive forces or negative ones. We determine how deep the negativity resides – whether they are endoparasites or ectoparasites: live within the host’s cells or live simply on the surface.

“‘Elegance isn’t a superficial thing, it’s the way mankind has found to honor life and work. That’s why, when you feel uncomfortable in that position, you mustn’t think that it’s false or artificial: it’s real and true precisely because it’s difficult. That position means that both the paper and the brush feel proud of the effort you’re making. The paper ceases to be a flat, colorless surface and takes on the depth of the things placed on it. Elegance is the correct posture if the writing is to be perfect. It’s the same with life: when all superfluous things have been discarded, we discover simplicity and concentration. The simpler and more sober the posture, the more beautiful it will be, even though, at first, it may seem uncomfortable.'”

Alas this transition – spiritually and geographically – is indeed bringing with it a degree of unsettling change. I crave to discover myself once more and I yearn for it in every moment, I do feel the discomfort and the pain that manages to work its way into the splendor.

ECSTASY - "to stand outside yourself"

 

“”The blank spaces?’
‘I learned calligraphy while I was in Dubai. I dance whenever I can, but music only exists because the pauses exist, and sentences only exist because the blank spaces exist. When I’m doing something, I feel complete, but no one can keep active twenty-four hours a day. As soon as I stop, I feel there’s something lacking. You’ve often said to me that I’m a naturally restless person, but I didn’t choose to be that way. I’d like to sit here quietly, watching television, but I can’t. My brain won’t stop. Sometimes I think i’m going mad. I need always to be dancing, writing, selling land, taking care of Viorel, or reading whatever I find to read [edit]. Do you think that’s normal?'”

External stimulation will not lift the burden from my internal suffering, that’s where disconnect truly lies and where I must begin to heal.

Je dois apprendre à me former à sentir le bonheur quand il ya un silence encore. Mais premierement, je dois apprendre à vivre sans mon cerveau, mais avec mon âme. Deep introspection has begun, this process is individual to who I am as an entity of potential and exuberance, I have to evolve. Words will lead the way.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 6, 2010 7:35 pm

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