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Something Has Changed Within Me

January 14, 2010

A new nation, a new theme.

Just 16 days ago a 14 hour voyage transported me to a foreign city, although found in my native land. Nothing is entirely native to a girl who flutters around the globe, moving from continent to continent. As my parents’ contracts expire, self-created images of my life to come begin to flourish in my head. Now that I have arrived in this place with its sharp, precise instruments of rules, regulations and procedures I have come to realize that it is the very antithesis to the environment of fluidity, exuberance, and expression I have spent the past 4 years and 9 months full-hearted embracing. I have only committed to a few days of interaction with these classmates who are as foreign yet eerily familiar to me as the moon is to most humans. However except the lucky few who have been dealt the honor of being blasted into space. And so, in this figurative sense, I have been to the moon and back.

As the weeks will pass, I will eventually conform to the life of someone who has indeed not reached the legally recognized age of adulthood and thus the freedoms which follow suite. A quirky process of reversal that will take both my mind and my visceral urges some time to come to terms with. These changes will all remain superficial for deep at my core I will still dance and dream and reminesce in the lyrics and melodies of the music I have grown to love so much.

Despite this new city’s shortcomings, it offers me an opportunity to explore and focus on what will make me happy, and most importantly hard work. Secondary education beckons and calls for me and I can only put forth my best if I am to expect a satisfying outcome to arise. My voice and my words and my songs are all at my disposal. In addition to my most prized possession: my mind. It has been clouded by my disease for too long, days and days of wasted time – the only wasted thing that cannot be recycled. I feel like I have opened myself up to the Divinity of the world and from this, rays of lights have been to BURST through the storm clouds: my Epiphany. So now I will open myself up, unforgivingly to the love and light and beauty of the galaxy and yes, even the magnitude of strength that every spec and particle that encompass me obtain.

“We don’t always know what makes us happy. We know, instead, what we think SHOULD. We are baffled and confused when our attempts at happiness fail…We are mute when it comes to naming accurately our own preferences, delights, gifts, talents. The voice of our original self is often muffled, overwhelmed, even strangled, by the voices of other people’s expectations. The tongue of the original self is the language of the heart.”

— Julie Cameron

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. …I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.”

— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Growth is knocking on my door.

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